SobHER Curious

34. Female. Fooled by Alcohol.

My story isn't a standout story.  It's not a story about overcoming addiction after years of struggle.  It's not a story about getting addicted because of an abusive childhood, or because I fell in with the wrong crowd at a young age.  It's not about getting to the point where I started drinking in the mornings, or about how I get the shakes when I'm not drinking.  

It's a story about an 18-year-old girl who went to college and was introduced to alcohol like millions of others before her.  A girl who, although she hated the way it tasted, loved the way it made her feel and was enamored with joy that this mysterious elixir brought to her and her friends, so she starting drinking.

It's about how drinking in college made her feel attractive, confident, and cool, and how sometimes, it also made her say and do things that were counter to her values.  But everyone else seemed to handle it just fine, so she kept drinking. 

It's about how after college she cut back the binge drinking, but still yearned for the confidence it gave her.  She noticed that other adults around her were drinking craft beers and wines at social events, dinners, and on weekends, so she kept drinking.

It's about how quickly she moved up in her career, about how she made a name for herself as a strategic and valued leader, and an empathetic person whom others trusted with their emotions and problems.  And even though it was exhausting and she had no boundaries, she found it was easier just to numb her feelings from time-to-time, so she kept drinking.

It's about how "only drinking on the weekends" turned into "well a glass with dinner on a Wednesday is fine" turned into "it's called 'Thirsty Thursday' for a reason!"   It's about how her definition of "drinking in moderation" slowly began to broaden to include nightly drinking and a binge drinking night with friends a few times a month because "she had earned it."  But she wasn't an alcoholic yet, according to society's definition, so she kept drinking. 

It's about how she'd wake up hungover, regretful, anxious and disappointed in herself.  It's about the bruises and conversations she didn't remember.  It's about the things she said or did that she wishes she could take back.  It's about not being able or not wanting to stop drinking after just one drink, so she kept drinking.

It's about how a year ago, she'd had enough.  It's about her finally seeing that there was a problem, even though she didn't know how to define it nor did she know exactly when it became a problem.  It's about the slow intertwining of her alcoholic self and sober self over the course of fifteen years.  It's about the minute-by-minute struggle between the sober, logical, conscious mind and the alcoholic, emotional, subconscious mind. 

This is a story that is still being written.  This is my story.